The Review - Part 2 - ...Rollout!

And we are back. When we last blogged we had just come to the rest day. It was a beautiful morning for a pool session, the sun was glinting on the water and reflecting like a mofo off the top of Randles head.

In a very eventful morning, Tonah had already lost his suit, lost Copah's suit, found Copah's suit, scared the crap out of Loz and found his suit, all while saying some very mean things about Bo. So as the team scattered around Brisbane for a quiet day of shopping and sight-seeing, we left Aims by the pool borrowing a bottle of sunscreen picked up on the cheap in Thailand...

Wednesday - Dinner - The Sizzler. We eventually found the restaurant after circling it a few times but not really getting close. Not an ambiturner that Dave. The meals were actually pretty good, red creamy soda? Check! Steak cooked properly? Check! People having contests to build the highest soft-serve construction? Check! Bread infused with chemicals to suppress hunger? Check! Come back to Victoria Sizzler, all is forgiven.

Quick Historical Fact - you know Jared from Subway who lost all that weight? His first diet attempt was to only eat the chemical appetite suppressant bread from Sizzler, and that's why he was such a lardo.

Thursday - Game 1 - SA. They had an older lady who I believe was an ex-umpire playing GA, and she was a true triple threat; 1/3rd of the time she would pass, another 1/3rd of the time she would think about passing and then pass, and the remaining third of the time she would think about passing, then think about how she missed watching Ray Martin on the Midday Show and then pass. We surprisingly keep her scoreless and roll over SA comfortably in the end.

Meanwhile on a court not too far away, Queensland 1 have beaten NSW, and have very considerately almost guaranteed us a top two finish.

As we shake hands and leave the court against SA, I find out that older lady GA isn't actually that old, she just spent a lot of time sunbathing while wearing dodgy sunscreen from Thailand. She's 31! An eerie glimpse into Amy Wirth's future...

Another two game break and another chance to read the tournament booklet, who were we up to...oh yeah...

Bav Bavaro - Vic
Favourite Movie - Return Of The Killer Tomatoes (early Clooney - do yourself a favour)
Chances of ever finishing this blog: 50/50

Bec Michelini - Vic
Your Hero: George de Mestral - the inventor of Velcro
Turn Ons Include: Nurses in uniform, nurses out of uniform, elbow skin
Turn Offs Include: Sleep, Sobriety, the Y chromosome

Dave Smith - Vic
Nickname: THE Dave Smith?
Favourite People With The Initials KS: Well obviously Kaiser Soze, and of course my all-time crush, Kristen Stewart, I would Break her Dawn so bad...
Did You Ever Sneak A Peek At Lanard Copeland In The Shower: This interview is over! But yes...

Thursday - Game 2 - NSW

Two teams with different strategies, the forces of good from Victoria with the philosophy of "Top Two, Straight Through", versus the forces of evil from NSW and their "Lose Now, Win Later" approach to netball. And having studied Philosophy for two semesters at Uni, I can reliably inform you that philosophies are just like poems, the one's that rhyme are better. So that's looking good for us.

Highlights of the game were the blonde vs. brunette battle between Lee Lemons and Lauren "Backyard" Gardener. Not sure why they call her Backyard, but I'm sure she's popular with the boys. Anyway, it was an epic contest, LG accused LL of having no body control, and frankly was lucky to keep all her teeth because Lemons has some body control but almost no self-control.

Lowlight of the game was the NSW GA, a lovely little girl, delivering the people's elbow to what we will refer to as my upper-upper-inner thigh. The injury time-out, and Gary's cold towel and smooth soft hands were the high point of my tournament. Winning the game was nice, and as the saying goes, it was definitely better than a whack in the nads.

Oh, did I mention that Bec rolled an ankle? Yeah it happened a couple of games back, you didn't think a giant klutz like her could get through a whole tournament unscathed did you? Remember that, it's important later on.

Thursday - Dinner - An Impossible Choice...

Lasagna with Garlic Bread or Stir Fry, actually an easy choice, with lasagna receiving a lot of preference votes from the garlic bread, it easily wins the election on a two-party preferred basis. The Unit 10 oven squeezes in 4 lasagnas, and we sit back to play the waiting game.

The waiting game is boring, and as no-one remembered to bring Hungry Hungry Hippos, we watch a bit of cricket, peruse the Comm Games, eat some barbeque shapes, though not enough to spoil our dinner, and flick through the tournament programme.

Elisa Caldwell - Vic
Official Photographer huh? Are you too good to call yourself a groupie: But I have this camera...
Why did the tournament hire a guy with a camera on a stick for that one day: Two reasons, 1 all of my shots are of the Vic teams, and 2 half of my shots are me motor-boating the cleavage of the Vic teams
Why are you staying on the Gold Coast: Have you seen the beds the players have? I'm 5'7" and the beds are too short for me.

Esther Coppin - Vic
So why Team Manager: I'm actually quite dyslexic, I thought I was signing up for "a gerMan maTe", you know like a pen-pal...
What do you say to accusations that you've personally inflicted more damage onto the Northern Territory than Cyclone Tracy: I say Bring It
Favourite Movie: 300, The Bounty Hunter, The Ugly Truth, anything with that dreamy Geoff Coppin lookalike Gerard Butler in it.

Gary Bester - Vic
Nickname: Uncle Fester Bester
The Wifebeater Singlet In or Out: Definitely In

Friday morning, and the entire motel awoke to the smell of liniment in the air. First thoughts were that a Deep Heat truck had crashed into a light pole, but it was just Esther preparing to face the Northern Territory. We knew going into the game that regardless of the result we had a qualifying final against Queensland later that day, but Coach Smith stressed the importance of Memento, the best Guy Pearce movie of all time.

No wait, I've spilled OJ on my notes, he stressed the importance of momentum, which Guy Pearce wasn't even in, it starred Teri Hatcher, so probably not a very good movie at all. So the gist of Dave's pre-match address was basically,  stick to the team game plan, or I will make you all watch Teri Hatcher movies, and not younger hotter Teri Hatcher either.

With those inspiring words ringing in our ears, we jumped out to an early lead against the Territorians. I was fortunate enough to play on a really nice guy, who just happened to be one of the largest men in Australia. At one stage he said to me that it wasn't fair on their Goal Keeper to be playing on someone as girthy as Big Tone. I asked whether he has ever seen himself in a mirror, he replied that there had never been a mirror big enough, but he was hoping to have one custom made for his birthday. Bottom Line: he was a huge man.

With everyone having at least a bit of a run, we blew the cobwebs away and we blew the NT away. Esther snared the 3 votes for best on court, and I'm almost certain I saw her sneak off to place a bet on herself to make the All-Australian squad too. It's possible she had overdosed on liniment fumes at that stage.

With the round-robin part of the tournament now behind us, and a top-two finish accomplished, the attention of the team turned to having a snack and then getting ready for the game against Queensland. The team that had given us our only loss of the tournament back on Day 1, and whom we had then snatched a draw against on Day 3.

Dave gathered us in for a pre-match chat, "OK, the key to this Queensland team is that short, stocky, bald guy running through their mid-court. Do any of you know why I don't like, short, stocky bald men?"

Ryzah: "Because they remind you of your first girl-friend?"

"Oh, did I tell this story last year? That's embarrassing. Forget about Felicity Hufnagel then. This is when all those footwork drills, and all those beach sessions start to matter. Believe in your team-mates, believe in our structure. Don't forget how to throw and catch, that's super important.

The game started off and it was tense stuff from both sides, I'm actually still doing the nervous leg jiggle as I sit here typing a few months after the fact. And my arm hairs are standing on end, but that's more to do with the fact that someone has turned the AC up way too high today. I know they are predicting 40 for New years, but seriously people, it's like 17 degrees in there this morning.

I digress, we get to quarter time and the game is still close, and here's where a weeks worth of practice starts to pay off. I'm monkey feeding the two defenders, and I know that Dave likes a lot of water, I also know from previous experience that Amy doesn't like it when you squeeze the bottle too hard and water comes out of her nose. She says that she doesn't perform at her peak efficiency when she feels like she is drowning. So I just squeeze the bottle gently, and people say there is no room for sensitivity in top quality netball.

The second and third quarter see us ease out to a small lead. The Queensland GK is sneaky dirty but also has an extremely low sensitivity to pain. He yells every time he is touched, I know Lozzy calls Tonah, Magic Hands, but this is a little ridiculous. I think he's told the umpires that he's a recovering burns victim, just like Jason McCartney but a bigger Australian hero. The umpires appear to be buying it and he gets a few calls go his way which keeps the game close.

Three-quarter time and Queensland bench their shooter for a rangy left-hander. He looks intimidated by Dave's reach, but Dave can't quite get the timing right and Queensland are right back into the game. We let a 4 goal lead shrink back to 2, then back to all-level. It's goal for goal, scores are tied, Queensland has the ball, the timekeeper is up, they shoot, it's in, that's time. But no, they wave off the goal, time had expired prior to it going through. By the time it takes my mate Jase to unclip a bra with his left hand (about 0.4 of a second, he's a freak) we've been saved and are going into overtime.

Things remain tight to start the overtime, but Michelini gets an important turnover, Wirth forces a stop (she must be well-hydrated to be playing so well), Moss throws a right-handed pass and it works! Everything is coming up Victoria. Dave gets his hands to a couple of Lefty's shots and Tonah has apparently told the umpires that he invented Vegemite, because Queensland keeper is throwing himself all over the place and not getting a call. We win!

Over on the other court, NSW have rallied from a half-time deficit to beat Queensland 2 in the other semi-final. The prevailing thought is that we would have struggled to back-up for another game, and can't see how Queensland will be able to. Why are there no bookmakers covering this event, I would load up on NSW to win that game if I could.

And that's how it turned out, Queensland put up a good show but ran out of legs and New South ran out fairly comfortable winners. Queensland; undefeated one day, bundled out in straight sets the next, not a bad slogan, probably too long for a license plate though.

Anyway, it's back to the hotel for a pool session and some major strategy re-think by the team. Why didn't we have stir-fry last night? I could really go some lasagna and a garlic bread tonight.

We watch a bit more of the cricket and Ala remarks that Ricky Ponting's technique looks a little scratchy, he predicts that he'll break a finger soon, we'll lose the Ashes and get flogged at the MCG by an innings and 157 runs. Spooky...

It's a fairly early night for our team, however the party house next door seems to be having quite a good time, Claire VD, Jen-I Gardiner, Pilks, D-Stew and of course Copah who has been given a leave pass by Laps. Nice of Laps to put his problem in the room next to mine. Apparently Big Tone sends a text to ssshh them all at some point in the evening.

However I'm still having little mini-nightmares, what if Dave gets lost on the way to the cars in the morning? What if Kate takes one for the state and handcuffs him to the bed? What if Kate handcuffs me to the bed, not so much a nightmare that one.

One more delicious breakfast, I have toast as we are all out of apple-pie, and then it's off to the courts. By the time we arrive, both the Vic Ladies and the Under 21's have taken up positions around the court to support us and then the Men's in the later game. Claire tells me she's wearing a push-up bra to inspire us, and some of us pretend to be able to tell.

Dave gets us in for a pre-game chat, I think I can see handcuff marks, but maybe I'm just looking too hard. Dave says some stuff, Esther does an a capella beat-box version of Eye Of The Tiger, we are super pumped to play. Tonah in GS, Kyzah Soze in GA, Moss in WA, The Mac in C, Micka in WD, The Dave in GD and Famous Amos in GK, which leaves Hullsy, Lemons, Ryzah and myself on the bench.

As self-appointed coach of the bench, I took my players aside and explained the fundamentals to them, never ever swap seats. There is only one rule. And which rule did Lemons break in the semi-final against Queensland, that's right Rule #1. We were cruising at half-time and Lemons almost cost us the match due to undisciplined bench play. Well that was not going to happen this time, not on my watch!

We started a bit slow, a couple of turnovers saw us on the wrong end of a 3 goal deficit. That Girl That Lemons Doesn't Like (note: TGTLDL often refers to about 27 girls in any particular tournament, however in this match it refers to Lauren Gardener, who might be a lovely person and possibly a firecracker in bed, but Lemons really doesn't care).

We were down by 5 at half time, off came The Mac, off came the The Mic, on went Ryzah and Lemons. And yes, in case you were wondering, there was just straight seat swapping on the bench, discipline was still good. A slow start to the 3rd and we were down 7, Hullsy was up and warming up, Esther had just told me to get ready to go as well, but before the crowd could say sit down Bavro, there was a clicking noise. All of a sudden we clicked.

We were attacking precisely, click, and forcing all types of pressure defensively, click. Tonah sent Troy Ellis flying into the back net where he spilled lollies and severely damaged someones mobile phone, click, Esther stood up, click click (those are her knees).

The seven goals lead was swept away in a hurry, we went into the last quarter with all the momentum. Did we have structure, fu*k-yeah we had structure. With Ryzah zinging some passes in to Tone, Moss sticking with the left hand (fundamentals), the shooters taking and making good shots and the Lemons-Smith-Wirth combo picking off the turnovers, we came back and straight past them and ran out winners.

Cue the celebrations, Gary was handing around the magic victory drink, there was hugging, someone copped a feel of my left man-boob but that's the good one so I didn't mind. Tonah called Loz, but 11 people had already texted her the result, so he just had a good cry instead. Another reason why we don't need video calls.

The team settled in for a few Crownies and a heap of lollies, we watched the men capture their fifth straight championship, what a team they are.

Then it was back to the hotel for pizza and beer, as provided by the Victorian Police Athlete of the Year, Hullsy. Pizza and Beer, that's how this thing started all the way back on a chilly Wednesday evening in a Port Melbourne restaurant. What a journey it was.

We finished with Presentation night, the highlights of course being; Micka's shoes, Lemons underwear (that was a long cab ride), Tonah's speech, getting the medals, Ryzah's MVP award and the All-Australian selections for Amy, Dave, Mossy and Tonah, really well deserved.

Now after a night like that, I generally feel 10 years older, but not Super Dave, he generally looks and feels 10 years younger. Here's a picture of him from the morning after presentation night snapped by Kyzah and Ryzah...

Thanks to everyone who played, who supported, who managed, rub-downed, photographed and helped out with the practices. Let's go for back-to-back.

Oh, and as it is now December 31st, here is my New Years resolution, don't start a blog if you can't finish it!

The Review - Part 1 - Transform...

So, the final blog entry. Summing up the whole tournament and the aftermath seems like a massive task. But if we approach it just like a block of chocolate and do it piece by piece, I think we'll get through it, in fact I think I can probably do a block and half, especially if it's Top Deck, that stuff is great.

Saturday - Present Time! - Woohoo Transformers t-shirts, an awesome magnet for the fridge in Room 46 (now on my beer fridge at home), watches that transform into Optimus Prime, a watch that projects an Autobot signal, water bottles that didn't transform but were still handy, uniforms, bag tags with our Transformer names. We've definitely peaked too early, the week can't get any better than this.

Saturday - Grand Final Mark II - A pretty dodgy game, watched on one of the world's smallest tv's. A blonde ant ran into an open goal but was smothered by Heath Shaw. Micka is obviously not a real Collingwood supporter as she handled the victory with dignity and class. Kyzah and Ryzah decided to find something better to do about halfway through the third quarter, I think they were practising hair-styles for preso night, because their hair was all mussed afterwards. Good word, mussed, I'm bringing that one back.

Saturday - Training at Darra - First things first, it's Darra as in, "I will be getting completely Darralytic at Preso Night", not Darra as in, "You would expect the Darralarm to go off when Leesy backed that sweet burnt orange Holden rental car into that red pole".

Some notes from the training session. Those jumpers are definitely too fluffy for a man with a shaved head, me and Randles looked ridiculous. Either the courts in Queensland are bigger, or Tonah lost weight on the flight up. The roof of the court is so high, I think even Lemon's loopy passes might be ok. First sumos in Queensland and we are looking sharp, excellent acoustics in this stadium, people will be able to hear us from three courts over.

Sunday - Breakfast - Crunchy Nut Cornflakes! I don't normally eat cereal, but who can resist those things. They are Coco Pops for adults. Amos in the house! The squad is now complete. In the civilised world, Daylight Savings has started, apparently the back bedroom of Unit 10 is also in Victoria, Tonah and Ryzah are up by 6am.

Sunday - Game 1 - Queensland 2 - Maybe they were the Heat maybe they were the Lightning, let's just agree that they weren't Queensland 1. We drive to the courts in a spiffy silver iMax and maybe a Tarago type thingo. I briefly consider running with, "If a Mercedes CL married an iMax, it would be a CLiMax!" But it's a crappy joke, and I'm regretting typing it just now. In better news, everyone gets on court, we have a win. At times the structure looks a bit yuckture, maybe Dave will use that in the post-game review. He doesn't...

Sunday - Game 2 - Queensland 1 - We jump out to a 14-7 lead at half time, put in a shocker of a third quarter and end up losing the game. In the review, Dave stresses process more than results, but I'm secretly thinking that it's a good thing that Kate likes angry sex. You can learn so much from that tournament booklet...

Kate Sherwin - Qld
Nickname - The Sherwinator
Turn-Ons Include: Walks On The Beach, Krispy Kreme Donuts, Angry Sex
Turn-Offs Include: Alphabet Soup, Ninjas Who Wear Ballet Flats, Being Called The Sherwinator

Oh I am so using that as a running joke for the rest of this entry, the booklet that is, not amazing facts about Kate. Interesting fact about Kate though, she is one of Queenslands leading Cher impersonators...

Sunday Game 3 - South Australia - You remember how in Neighbours whenever they wanted to get rid of a character they used to make them move to Queensland. Except for Harold, he was washed out to sea and came back as an amnesia sufferer. Yeah that was as believable as Delta's wig. Anyway, as Neighbours used Queensland, that's how my family uses South Australia. I've shipped my Dad, my Crazy Stepmum and my second-worst brother over there, so I have a real soft spot for the place. But that all went out the window, when I played GK against a guy who was the dead-ringer for Randy Hickey from My Name Is Earl, and he sweated a lot. We won that game.

Sunday - Pool Session - We finished Day 1 with a record of 2-1 and an awesome bomb from Tonah. If the management of Taringa Gardens are reading this, that's right, I said BOMB. Deal with it! Dinner was pasta and delicious.

Monday - Game 1 - NSW - Showers in Unit 10 have been scaled back because Tonah and Ryzah have refused, flat out refused to keep getting up at 5.30 every morning. On the positive side, our shower works and it has hot water and lots of pressure. I extend an invitation to the Ladies Team and our Mixed girls that they can come for showers at anytime, bring snacks! I don't extend the invitation to the Men's team, because they eat too many snacks, or the Under-21's for legal reasons.

Speaking of bathrooms, the Citrus Breeze has arrived. I hope one can will be enough. Nutri Grain for breakfast for me, nothing for Ala, he sleeps through the whole thing.

We show up to the courts and discover that Troy Ellis thought he was Lester Ellis while playing against Queensland 1 the previous day and has got himself suspended for 3 games. NSW

It takes a while to get everyone organised, so let's take this opportunity to see what the tournament booklet has to say about a couple of people...

Anthony Collinder - VIC
Nickname - Mr T
Catchphrase - I Pity The Fool
Worst Dad Joke - Why is a polo match like Loz before breakfast? Because they both have three chukkas.

Karen Moss - VIC
Natural Hair Colour - Unknown
Nickname: McMoss
What's Alex's Best Feature and Your Favourite Tom Hanks Movie - Big

Wow there are some very specific questions in that booklet, good thing the answer wasn't Joe Versus The Volcano, that wouldn't have made any sense.

Monday - Game 2 - NT - The game that everyone had been looking forward to, when the question would finally be answered, that old duck, crazy or robot? Tonah who had first seen the eccentric warm-up routine was convinced that she was a robot from the future sent back to play netball and kill Sarah Connor. Mossy who had seen her dancing to the tune in her head in the ladies toilet was firmly in the crazy camp.

Opinion was evenly split in the team, and the final vote went to Hullsy who had been involved in a high-speed chase with a petrol tanker and then a shoot-out at Cyberdyne Industries a few days earlier. She took a good look at the suspect and finally decided that she wasn't a robot, she was just crazy. But when she took the court, she didn't go through the normal red flappy bit thing, she just walked straight through the net and did that cool melty metal thing. No wonder the Sherwinator kept unleashing shotgun pellets at her...

We did finally beat the Territorians, but when we shook her hand at the end of the game, there was no, nice game, thanks very much pleasantries. Nope, she took my hand in a steely grip and said, Ah'll Be Bahck!

Monday - Dinner - Schnitas! Super Delicious Schnitas. But then it happened! You know I think I'll always remember where I was the first time I heard the Cookies & Cream cheer. Amy, please type out the next section...

Ready? OK!
Cookies, cookies, cookies and cream.
What's the matter with the other team?
Nothing, nothing, nothing at all.
They just...can't play ball!

If you didn't read that with an American accent and do the hand gestures, then GTFO.

Tuesday - Game 1 - Queensland 2 - You know, they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I hadn't seen the Queensland team for two days, and I was still pretty meh about the lot of them. But before we get into that analysis, let's read back the transcript of Tone Phone Home - Tuesday Edition...

"Hey Loz. I got up, had a shower, got dressed, shorts, walk-on top and thongs, went up for breakfast, bowl of crunchy-nut, 2 pieces of toast, glass of juice, came back, had a cigarette, picked up the phone, dialled, started this sentence" now that's romantic.

Sorry, I wrote that down at the time, I had to put it in the blog. In fact my entire notes for the week consist of that sentence and "We Won" (Spoiler Alert) and "oodles of UDLs - good rhyme". So despite a lot of evidence to the contrary, this may be a very short review...

Back on court, we gave Qld-2 a touch-up, I think they liked it. In fact I know they did, because the girl playing on Ryzah told him that Flugelhorn was their safe word, and he could beat her as bad as he liked unless she said Flugelhorn. That word again, Flugelhorn...

Tuesday - Game 2 - Qld 1 - Our first two-game break between games, a chance to really get into those roast-chicken rolls. Of course taking off shoes and socks can be a really effective appetite suppressant. So much so that I'm going into direct competition with Lite and Easy with my own version, Damp and Smelly. Dave I've got my eye on you for the Queensland franchise...

Of course a two-game break also leaves plenty of time to read the old tournament booklet...

Alex McPhie - Vic
Nickname - Mr McMoss
Turn-Ons Include: Richard Dean Andersen, fixing phone chargers with paper clips.
Turn-Offs Include: Blondes, Brunettes, Baldies, anything except Redheads

Amy Wirth - Vic
Nickname - Why The Hell Isn't My Name In This Booklet
Career Goal - Bayside Sky Raiders Head Coach
Turn Ons Include - Ala's Jeans, Dirty Dancing (the movie), Dirty Dancing (the dancing)


We play Queensland pretty close, 2 down at half-time, but another dodgy third quarter puts us is a hole. We storm home in the final 4 minutes and from 6 goals down scrape through with a draw.

So at the end of Day 3, we had realised that we could put in an awesome 4 minute performance and finish level. But let's be honest, a 4 minute performance probably isn't going to cut it in the big league, and I'm not 100% sure whether I'm still talking about netball at this point in time.

When we return for Part 2, the rest day (aka search for performance enhancing nasal spray) the rest of the tournament, the suspense of who wins, and the drunkeness of Preso Night...

Theme Team 2010

Well the US Basketball Team might have beaten us to the Dream Team name, but Theme Team is all ours. As decided at dinner last night, our theme for this trip is Transformers - More Than Meets The Eye, and boy there are a lot of Transformers out there to choose from.

Which Transformer will you be? What pathetic joke will be attached, read on to find out.

Tonah - Devastator (Decepticon)

Wikipedia says: Devastator is a combination of the six Constructicons, Hook, Scrapper, Mixmaster, Long Haul, Scavenger, and Bonecrusher. Devastator was the strongest Transformer when he was first introduced on the series.

Mossy - Inferno (Autobot)

Wikipedia says: Inferno is a fearless Autobot who has a firetruck as his vehicle form. [1] He relishes the attention he gets for saving lives and extinguishing fires any chance he gets, but Inferno's intentions are always noble, though he rarely gets involved in the battles. Inferno would be a lot better at his job if he weren't so easily distracted. He genuinely wants to be responsible and perform his job well, but he simply cannot resist getting involved in combat. The rugged and powerful, Inferno likes things to be as intense as possible, although he prefers the heat of battle to the heart of a burning building. He's not unaware of the seriousness of his function, and he does enjoy the chances it offers him to save innocent lives. It's just that Inferno can't turn down an opportunity to get into the thick of the action.

Bavro says: Go you Big Red Fire Engine

Alex - Starscream (Decepticon)

Wikipedia says: Starscream is Megatron's air commander and second-in-command, but is eager to usurp him as leader of the Decepticons. His scheming has at times cost the Decepticons decisive advantages. Among his arsenal are cluster bombs and a paralyzing null ray.

Bavro says: Easy to spot thanks to his distinctive blue shoes. Let's hope the hotel has thick walls, Al is apparently a screamer.

Amy - Bombshell (Decepticon)

Wikipedia says: Possibly the most intelligent of the Insecticons; serves as Decepticon mechanic on one occasion. Can control other Transformers by implanting cerebro-shells in their heads. Transforms into a Japanese Rhinoceros Beetle.

Bavro says: The google search for Transformers Bombshell was the most fun of all, let's take a look...

The actual transformer:

The most common result:

And one for the Australian fans:

Boy this post is going to be long, don't be reading it on your iphone...

Bav - Lightspeed (Autobot)

Wikipedia says: Mellow observer with a dry sense of humor. Loves being in space.

Bavro says: Why is there no Transformer called Chromedome?

Bec - Runamuck (Decepticon)

Wikipedia says: An energetic cowboy-type who regards himself and Runabout as two of the Decepticons' "hardest-chargin' dudes."

Bavro says: Runamuck, the perfect name for someone when half their stories start with, I woke up somewhere...

Dave - Optimus Prime (Autobot)
 
Wikipedia says: Once a young robot known as Orion Pax, he was attacked by Megatron in the episode War Dawn and later rebuilt, making him into the formidable Optimus Prime. As leader of the Autobots, he has dedicated himself to a life of stopping the Decepticons wherever they attack.
 
Bavro says: Once a young basketball player known as Hey Isn't That Dave Smith?
 

Elisa - Reflector (Decepticon)

Wikipedia says: Reflector is the only Transformer whose robot mode consists of three robots, Viewfinder, Spectro & Spyglass, which merge together to form one camera. The three robots almost always act and speak in unison with each other. Can create blinding flares that last for 15 seconds.

Bavro says: More than capable of holding three conversations at once.

Es - The All Spark (No Affiliation) - The Transformer equivalent of an hermaphrodite

Wikipedia says: The creator of us all.

Bavro says: Originally known in the comic books as The Matrix, it was renamed the All Spark for the movie to stop people making reference to Keanu Reeves, but bad luck, here he is...

Gary - Ratchet (Autobot)

Wikipedia says: The Autobots' resident doctor and mechanic. While he is a medic, he doesn't have a particularly good bedside manner as he frequently throws things like wrenches at his patients if they got hurt for doing something stupid/something they could've avoided. He only threw things once he had repaired them properly of course.

Bavro says: Nice mono-brow

Kylie - Astrotrain (Decepticon)

Wikipedia says: Arrogant and self-obsessed, Astrotrain once tried to build his own army of trains to take over the Decepticons and later set himself up as a god on a primitive, energy-rich planet.

Bavro says: The obvious choice for someone who relies on public transport.

Lemons - Thundercracker (Decepticon)

Wikipedia says: Has doubts about the Decepticon cause, that was rarely shown in the series. Can create deafening sonic booms that have only been represented in the series by Megatron in Heavy Metal War, and the emission of irritatingly loud noise which Starscream complained about at the conclusion of Fire on the Mountain. His other notable weapons are his incendiary guns and cruise missiles.

Bavro says: Can create deafening sonic booms. Nailed it!

Loz - Cybertron (The Homeworld of the Transformers)

Wikipedia says: Long ago, Cybertron was peaceful, until the evil Decepticons waged war against the Autobots. Both sides fought for control of the planet, each ruling one half.

Bavro says: Can not travel with the other Transformers as she is the size of a small planet or a large moon

Renee - Prowl (Autobot)

Wikipedia says: A logical and competent tactician who operated as Optimus Prime's right-hand man in many early episodes.

Bavro says: It's a police car, that's a gift when you are this far down the list.

Ryzah - Bumblebee (Autobot)

Wikipedia says: Often referred to as the "smallest Autobot", Bumblebee often volunteers for missions where his small size is an asset. He also possessed the best eyesight of all the Autobots which made him an ideal scout.

Bavro says: His voice-box has been damaged and he hardly talks. Once again Bumblebee ends up with a woman way hotter than him.

The final count:

7 Decepticons, 6 Autobots, 1 All Spark, 1 Small Planet

Transform and Roll Out to Brisbane.

The Hard Part Is Over

So before we get to the main part of this blog entry, a special shout out to Famous Amos who definitely does not suffer from Pelosiophobia.

AW: Have you ever noticed that eating hazelnuts is just like eating Ferrero Rocher, except without the chocolate?

I actually hadn't noticed that Aims, but if it makes any difference, I do have hazel eyes, but no hazel nuts.

Moving right along... Well it's taken many weeks and a lot of late nights, but the quest to give everyone a nickname has finally been completed. It's probably worth pointing out that no team without a full complement of nicknames has ever won a game at nationals.

And now, my favourite part of writing a blog, cutting and pasting from previous entries. I would marry Ctrl-C, but I would still see Ctrl-V behind her back...

The Nicknames Section

It's in red, it must be important. That's the first think they teach you at blog-school.

Please note, I have just come into possession of an English-Native American baby name book, so you'll all get to find out your Native American names. It's very spiritual, so clear your chakras and move on...

Tone: Tonah, T-to-the-Onah, Beardo, El Capitan, It's-Hard-To-Walk-When-You-Have-A-Tonah

Karen: Mossy, Vichael Moss, Tenille, Karen-Moss-Will-Make-You-Jump-Jump!

Alex: The Mac, The Big Mac, Man-Who-Buys-Engagement-Rings-That-Make-Other-Men-Look-Bad-But-Not-Mr-Lemons-Him-Big-Moneybags

Amy: A newcomer to the nickname scoreboard, let's see what she can come up with. Aims (sounds too much like a no-good shooter) Ample Girth (not bad) Amos...hmmm...Amos and Bavros that sounds like a good combination, Amos to K-Moss, that's gold. Welcome Amos! Your Indian Name is; Golden-Hair-Who-Treats-Training-Like-Foreplay-Doesn't-Like-To-Do-Much-Before-Getting-To-The-Action

Bav: Bavro, Bavros, Neo, If-You-Shaved-Off-All-The-Hair-That-Was-Red-And-Curly-You-Would-Look-Seven

Bec: After much head-scratching, we are going with Micka or Micah, something like that, definitely not Mieke though. Other options were Pelosiophobic, Teeny-Peeny-Michelini and Fake-Peeny-Michelini, however these were considered too long, which was the first time Fake-Peeny had ever heard that particular complaint.

Back-In-My-Day-Being-Given-The-Strap-Meant-Something-Entirely-Different

Dave: EeeBee, SausageLover27@yahoo.com, For-Couch-Upholstery-Call-Bowen-Upholstery-03-8822-3443

Elisa: Leesy, Paparazzo, You-Will-Be-A-Crazy-Cat-Lady-Wait-My-Mistake-You-Already-Are

Esther: Es, Boss, Esther-Bester-Has-An-Uncle-Fester
Kylie: KyLee Lemons, Kyzah Soze, The-Greatest-Trick-The-Devil-Ever-Pulled-Was-Convincing-The-World-That-He-Didn't-Exist
Lee: Lemons, It's-Not-Sexual
Loz: Goldy, Viva Loz Vegas, Woman-Who-Eats-For-Two-But-Sleeps-For-Point-Five
Renee: Hullsy, Scullsy, POA-Apparently-Stands-For-Police-Officer-Athlete-Not-Piece-Of-Ass-Either-Way-You-Are-POA-Of-The-Year
Ryan: Ryzah, Ry Zsa Zsa Gabor, Man-Who-Will-Have-Twins-And-Call-Them-Lily-And-Dale-After-The-Girl-From-How-I-Met-Your-Mother-And-His-Favourite-Chipmunk-Not-The-Suburb

For those of you who were wondering, Pelosiophobia means Fear Of Nuts.

Beardo's Unite

Hi everyone, please note that Saturday the 4th of September is World Beard Day.

You go Tonah!

Snouts and Entrails

It sounded like a wonderful idea the first time I heard it, your 2010 Victorian Mixed Squad would hold an information session to try and attract more gay men into the sport of netball. Because let's be honest, they are terribly under-represented. And we would call it, Sausage-Fest 2010.

So I turned up to the Box Hill Indoor Sports Centre on a very chilly Friday evening, and the fact that I was wearing assless chaps was not making it any warmer. But it turns out that Sausage-Fest 2010 wasn't a cultural watershed for the SLAG (Super Lesbian And Gay) Community at all, it was a money-grab for the Mixed Squad.

And what a money-grab it was. We showed up to Box Hill with 10kgs of original sausages (more snout, less entrail) and 10kgs of the always popular continental sausage (less snout, more entrail). The barbeque had already been fired up by our master chefs for the evening, George ColambarMoss, Matt Eston and Gary "ThisWouldBeEasierIfBecHadANickname" Mehigan or Becigan, whatever, the first two worked great...

The signs went up, the frozen onions joined the snags on the barbeque, Mossy was dealing out slices of bread in a fashion that definitely made me think she was a card shark at some point in her life, or there was a lot of spare time during her former career at Holden. We were serenaded by a lovely man who owned his own harmonica, no rental for this guy. And that's when the call came through...

Es got a call from Northcote Indoor, who apparently had received an offer that was more attractive than our very generous, we'll use your courts for free and not steal too much electricity to run our video cameras, and they bumped us. What an outrage!

However it soon became obvious that we could bribe Box Hill ownership into a loan of their courts on a Saturday morning, in exchange for a couple of sausages, not too burnt. Now all Esther had to do was to let Angry Dave know about the change. But as it turns out, Angry Dave was having the weekend off and long-shower-taking-very-agreeable-Dave was in charge. Or more specifically, long-shower-taking-very-agreeable-Dave was there, but Interstate-Living-America-Visiting-Kate was in charge.

So first of all it took Esther 20 minutes to reach Dave on his mobile, because he is "having a shower". Now listen up Queenslanders, we don't all live next door to a great big rain-forest with water everywhere, there's no 20 minute showers down here. In fact, apart from every single beach session for the year, most of us can hardly remember what rain looks like.

Then when he finally called back, well I can't do that justice, let's go to the transcript. But just before we go to the transcript, it's a little confusing because Esther is EB for Esther Bester and Dave is also EB but that's just short for Eee Bee, so we'll do his side of the conversation in slanty writing...

EB: Hello
EB: mmmm-hmmmm
EB: We've just heard from Northcote, they've cancelled our court in the morning.
EB: ooh that's nice
EB: What?
EB: sorry, what?
EB: Northcote have cancelled, but we can have a court at Box Hill for the same time slot
EB: yep, right there
EB: Right there at Box Hill?
EB: mmmm-yes....yes
EB: Right. See you in the morning.

Ends call, goes inside and boils her mobile phone until it feels clean again.

We sizzle away for the rest of the evening. Then have a fairly so-so training session at Box Hill, the highlight being my audition tape to try and take Dan Ryan's commentary job at Channel 10. Think of the money they could save on wooden boxes for him to stand on.

Then we were back the very next Friday, I had sewn the ass back into my chaps by then, so they got another run, mainly because they still smelled a lot like sausages, which apparently isn't as big of a turn-on in the gay community as you might think. Angry Dave was present and accounted for, and he had good reason to be angry after making Joel Selwood the captain of his decimated Supercoach squad.

By the end of the night we were completely out of snouts and entrails and we had made several hundred dollars to put towards the costs up in Queensland. Special thanks to all concerned who helped out with the cooking, the sourcing of materials, those who stood next to a cold lifeless barbie while I limped over to Bunnings for more gas, and especially those who ate all that they could.

Girl To Be Named Later Named Sooner

Hello Sports Fans, and welcome back to the blog. My staff have all come back from their overseas jaunts, so I should finally have some time to dedicate to this historic recollection of netballing events.

The big news of course is that we have finally found our sixth girl, but how to introduce her to the hundreds of people who are regularly reading this blog? First of all I tried doing a Google Image search, because that's my go to move. Nothing really popped out as being appropriate for a story this huge. However speaking of huge, here is the #2 result for a Google Image search for David Smith

Oh my lord, I really should have had Leesy photoshop that shirt into Victorian blue, that would have been great. But don't feel too bad for Dave, he's a work in progress, here is image result #15...

No lunch for me today I am thinking...

So with Google being a total wash, we turn instead to our team poet, Sir Ryzah Mix-a-lot to introduce our newest team member. DJ Lozzy, lay down some tasty beats...

This is for my homies in Lil'Dale...

Our squad come together,

we made us some big plans.

Ten players in total,

just like the fingers of two hands.

Five men & Five women,

nuff for two Village People cover bands.

But something was missing, we needed another,

maybe a blonde with some great cans.

So the search got started,

and we're scouring the Earth.

Es flew up to Brisbane,

Dave's blowing up phones in Perth.

Talking it over at Shaggy's, Volcanoes with King Prawns,

we call that Italian Surf and Turf.

But that's when we found her,

Ladeez and Gentleman, give it up, Amy Wirth!

Now we have eleven players,

the squad feels complete.

But me hands have eleven fingers,

and I feel like a freak.

Not going to no Cape Woolamai,

'cause the rain makes us weak.

Welcome aboard Amy,

you're now one of my peeps.

So the search it's all over,

put it back on the shelve.

But if Dave likes eleven,

wouldn't he be happier with twelve?

Peace. I'm out.

Thanks very much Ryzah, you are a very angry, and extremely white young man. Not sure about that whole cans reference in the first verse though, but I guess anyone who sings about Village People cover bands should talk about cans as much as possible.

Locke from Lost

The article in The Age was talking about how this Wednesday was going to be one of the coldest, wettest and windiest days on record and that the SES was on standby for a flood of emergency calls. But Dave knew better, he told the team that a little water wouldn't hurt anyone and that the beach session was still going ahead.

Personally I thought it was a trust exercise, he was just testing us to see which people would make feeble excuses not to show-up, but no he was serious. And his faith was justified, despite a plethora of ponchos supplied by The Mac, the rain stopped right at 6.30 and it was a lovely night for training.

For those of you scoring at home, the number of people with feeble excuses not to show-up: 1 - Is M-League even a real thing Hullsy? Poor form.

Taking the conditions into account, tonight's session placed more emphasis on continual movement and recovery rather than the stop-start stuff we'd done previously. So we did some broad jumps with some run-throughs, some high-knee action, and some butt-flicks. A friend of mine in Canberra makes pretty good money doing butt-flicks, but I can't in good conscience give you the link to the website.

We then were told to organise ourselves from fittest to not-fittest based on our own judgement. I was too far away to see what was going on down the fit end of the line, but Ryzah, The Mac, Lemons and Mossy were up there in some order, then I had asthma-riddled Bec on my left and Tonah on my right, with Kylie one spot further down. Woohoo, not last! This must be how Steven Bradbury feels all the time. What an adrenalin rush.

We then did a circle drill, it basically entailed running clockwise for 2 and a half minutes at about 40-50% effort, and then counter-clockwise for the same time frame. Because Gen Y people have terrible attention deficit disorder, and Dave was worried about some of the team wandering off to play with seagulls (Bec!), to keep things interesting, at any time he could yell out 1 of 4 things; Sprint - 5 quick strides, max effort, Back - 5 steps backward, Burpee - 2 burpees (I hate you burpees my old nemesis) or Push-Up - 5 push-ups.

So we did that on a triangular course, it was my favourite type of triangle, isosceles. The course was made up of two volleyball posts and Leesy's umbrella, in fact Leesy's umbrella was in almost every drill. It was very cruel when Dave started calling the umbrella Esther, but maybe that was just because he missed her so much.

Did the clockwise, did the anti-clockwise, burpees got taken down from two to one with a couple of minutes to go. Push-ups were a killer though, it was an off-day as mandated by my 100 Pushups iPhone app, very cruel.

Then we split into two groups, and had a race. It was a magnificent piece of handicapping by Dave as it turned out to be a dead-heat after 4 run-throughs each. Thank goodness no-one asked for a re-match. And then it all turned racist.

Dave set-up another triangle, this one was scalene I believe, and then asked us to start running in Indian-file fashion. Well didn't this set some people off. "Do you mean Native American file or Sachin Tendulkar file?", says Ryzah. "Indian-file", says Dave. "Is maize a staple of our diet, or is it rice?", asks Kylie. "Indian-file", says Dave. "Do I worship the Great Water Buffalo or the many arms of Ganesh?", inquires Lemons. "Indian-file and now you are doing it twice", says Dave. "Shut the F up", says Tonah. And that's why he's the captain.

So it's Indian-file with a slight twist, instead of the person at the back sprinting to the front, in this format the person at the front, sprints round the course and latches onto the back of the group. "Ah, Sachin Tendulkar-file", nods Ryzah. And off we go, and it's quite an effort, the course isn't huge, but it's not teeny either. Leesy's umbrella gets knocked over a couple of times, and Dave lets everyone know that touching ze umbrella ist verboten. Schnell, SCHNELL!

We work the straight sections, use good footwork to get in and out of the corners, and finally it's over. Now I know why there are so many skinny Indians...

Now, at the last Saturday session, Dave went over to Leesy and Loz, that Bav, he says, he's like Neo from The Matrix, you tell him something and then a little while later he knows it. So he's like The Matrix if it ran on a Commodore 64 says Leesy.

Well that's very funny, but what they never mention in that movie, is that Neo has lived his whole life inside that weird fluid bubble thing, it's only natural that when they take him out of it, he may not have the flexibility of a normal person, his hamstrings might be fragile for instance. So it was terribly ironic when I went sprinting down to the first post against the evil Lemons, that the old hammy just went ping!

I was hoping for cramp, but no such luck I am afraid, it looks like a 2-3 week thing. And worst of all, Leesy went out and picked up a compression wrap to assist with the recovery process, the Neo-X.

But don't worry, I will walk again. This beach, it heals people...

We're On A Mission From God

Authors Note: The following was written after an overdose of cold and flu tablets and after receiving a deep tissue hamstring massage that is most likely banned by the Geneva Convention.

It finally happened, the band was back together. I mean from a technical perspective you could say that Es was in London (Esther from Manchester?), but in terms of this Blues Brothers analogy, she's more the Nun that beats people with rulers, than the sax player with the awesome hair. Actual picture of the sax player not that awesome, so here is Zoot from the Muppet's...

Groovy...

Anyhow, in a very long-winded manner, what I am trying to say, that apart from the extremely shy Girl To Be Named Later, who apparently isn't related to Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, all the squad members were at a training session at the same time for the first time ever.

And what a training session it was. The Mac invented a new drill that was going to be called, "Lee Lemons Lack Of Lay-Up Labilities" but because my spell-checker kept trying to turn labilities into something inappropriate about lady parts, the drill will now be called, The One With Two Netball's In The Corner and Each Person Has To Run Up, Shoot A Goal, Put The Ball Back and Then Run Back. Good drill, needs a better name.

Now speaking of better names, the very astute Loz has correctly identified that certain squad members are not pulling their weight when it comes to nicknames. Let's review;

Tone - Tonah, Beardo, Captain - Good nickname leadership there
Karen - Mossy, Tenille, Vichael Moss - Excellent nickname deputy-leadership, you are the Julie Bishop of netball.
Alex - The Mac, The Mac & Cheese, Big Mac, Mac Daddy - Very impressive
Bav - Bavro, Neo - not thrilled with that last one, but the crowd seems to like it
Bec - Your Nickname Here - hmmmm
Dave - Your Couches Are Ugly And Floral - nicknames can be so cruel...
Elisa - Leesy, Sleazy Leezy, Whitepages - her nicknames progress as she has a few drinks
Esther - Es, Boss, Esther Bester from Hesta - your name rhymes with everything, that's the first step to being a rap superstar
Kylie - Malone, Kylee Lemons - that second one is just confusing, more work required
Lee - Lemons - love it, are we sure it's not sexual?
Loz - Goldy, Frontal Lozotomy, Get This Thing Out Of Me - what she says about the baby now, what she should have said to Beardo six months ago
Renee - Hullsy, Officer - stern but effective
Ryan - Ryzah, Matthew Ryzahrdson - second one makes him too excited to run, stick to Ryzah

So that's it, you are all on notice, we need something cruel and lovable to yell out to Bec and Kylie as we run around, get brain-storming!

However despite the lack of universally great nicknames, it was actually a very productive training session. The whole team really bonded together when Captain Tonah ran himself past the point of exhaustion and all the way into the men's bathroom, that is real leadership, and bulimic teens everywhere could really learn from that example.

The Human Centipede

I thought for sure that after sitting through The Human Centipede (Rated MA for Mouth to Ass) that I had seen the worst movie of 2010, and then came the Wednesday video session at Dave's. 20 minutes of Loz standing against a net and Leesy drinking tea, and that was with some liberal use of the fast forward button.

To be fair, the special effects were pretty good, one time Tonah ran behind Loz and by the time he came out on the other side, his beard was a full two-centimetres longer. Please read that as a compliment to Tonah's beard-growing ability, rather than a comment on the slowness of Tonah or the pregnantness of our Subject Matter Expert.

However once Leesy had finished her tea and moved behind the camera, the action started to pick up, and for a review of what happened in that session, you should read the blog entry titled, "I'm On A Horse", don't worry I'll wait...I'm particularly happy with the strap-on joke...that was a good one...and we are done.

So watching the session back, we had the opportunity to learn a few things. Firstly, when everyone runs to the right spot and cuts with purpose, it's a pretty thing to watch. Secondly, that ability to make the parallel pass and reset the attack is very handy. Thirdly, at some point in time, Dave will squeeze the ball so hard that it will explode. Fourthly, someone will be standing in the way when the ball does explode so we won't capture it on camera.

Other important news to come out of another wet and cold Wednesday evening... it was Mossy's last day at Barloworld Holden. To make her feel better, we insisted that The Mac order his pizza with no anchovies so as to maintain good oral freshness. That however didn't seem like much of a gift compared to the bunch of flowers she had already gotten, so we made her Vice Captain as well.

Then with the Vice Captaincy already out of the bag, it was announced that Beardo would be Captain. "Hey Beardo, vote Quimby!"

So, have you ever been out with a bunch of netballers and you've heard a complete stranger shout out across the room, "Hey Bavro, you're the bomb!" Of course you have, but you have slightly misheard what was being said, this internet-savvy, weather-curious stranger was actually saying, "Hey Bavro, you're the BOM". That's because in my spare time I'm a semi-professional weather man known as The Bavro Of Meteorology, or The BOM.

Visit me online at www.bom.gov.au don't be confused by the .gov part, I'm not an elected official, that actually refers to my preferred payment methods, Gin Or Vodka

The Bavro Of Meteorology is predicting rain for this evening and lots of it. That will be two gin squashes, thanks.

I'm On A Horse

Ack, I write one blog entry out of sequence and now I can't get my head around where we were up to, plus while trying to type up this entry I have been watching Old Spice Guy response videos on line, which is really distracting, it's an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love...

Dammit. So here's what we are going to do. We are going to squish the last two Saturday training sessions into one super post, and hopefully there will be enough material so that we can gloss over some of the dodgier attempts to complete drills. Look again, the tickets are now diamonds.

So strap yourself in, it's going to be a bumpy ride. Michelini, do not strap anything anywhere, this is not that type of website...

So over the last two weeks it turns out that everyone has kind of been available. Esther from Hesta missed a week when she was up in Brisbane, Hullsy bailed out of a session after pulling a 20 hour shift. Bec missed a session after being pursued by the cops in a 20 hour car chase, which is both an amazing coincidence and also a sign that good fuel economy is destroying our training sessions.

Hero of the fortnight has undoubtedly been Mossy, who has been keeping her fitness base at sky-high levels by showing up to trainings, strapping her injured leg to some type of rotating disc, and then hopping tiny laps on her good leg for a good 90 minutes. She does get extremely dizzy going round in circles constantly, but the nausea probably helps keep the weight off as well.

So last week we broke out the video camera for the first time this year, and word must have gotten out about this because everyone showed up in tv-friendly, slimming black and/or dark blue uniforms. That's the main reason I live in Victoria you know, the gut-friendly uniforms, those yellow WA tops or the NSW sky-blues do not suit a man of my plumpitude.

Joining the squad on the tv were the telegenic John & Laura, as well as the publicity hungry Darren Michelle...

State/Region: VIC Metro
Regional/Metropolitan Area: Southern
Location: Berwick
Manager: Darren Michelle
Mailing Address: PO Box 2055, Fountain Gate, 3805
Telephone: 0402 224 116
Mobile: 0402 224 116
Fax: (03) 8786 8771
E-mail: darren@kellysports.com.au

Easiest $16.50 I've ever made. Just 99 more commercials required and then the blog will have paid for my trip to Queensland...

So last week we started to work on our system for matriculating the ball down the court from our defence end to our attack end. And for the first 20 seconds, I thought this was going to be my time to shine, I was going to show Dave how I had been practising standing around with my arms crossed waiting for things to develop. But no, it turns out standing around is for attackers only, why anyone defends in netball remains a mystery to me.

Make that parallel pass, read your goal attack, get into the centre third, pin this person, release to the net, make that pass, footwork. I am not looking forward to the first 90 minutes of this video session at all...

Speaking of the video session, what is the dress code for this thing? Leesy had a bag of frocks out last night, seriously, numerous party frocks. I was just going to grunge it up in yesterday's trackie dacks, but now I am not so sure...

A Lyrical Tribute

Sorry to get out of sequence on your asses, but I wanted to post this one before you read about it on the internet. So it turns out that when we were at Kingpin a couple of nights ago, the Red Hot Chilli Peppers were also at the lanes. They were the group about 4 lanes over who were naked except for bowling shoes and socks covering their junk.

Anyway they've just re-released one of their classic songs as a tribute to one of our very own;

Give It Away (Rysah's Song)

Hello there, my name is Rysah
When I bowl it goes a little scheisser
Been taking too many pills by Pfizer
Want to walk got to strap it to my thighsa

Give it away give it away give it away now
Give it away give it away give it away now
Give it away give it away give it away now

When I bowl it ends up in the gutter
When I bowl my run-up has a stutter
Turn around and I hear the people mutter
Holy crap that bloke there is a nutter

Give it away give it away give it away now
Give it away give it away give it away now
Give it away give it away give it away now


We will now return you to your regularly scheduled programming

Fetlock & Load

It was another coolish Wednesday night when the 2010 squad gathered down at the Kerferd Rd pier. Malone was missing while she trained with a netball team called the Healesville Sanctuary if that is a real team, their website is nothing but cuddly koalas. Other than that, it was all hands on deck.

Tragedy struck in the first five minutes of the beach session. Moss, who can always be found in cool, damp places, injured a fetlock during the warm-up run. We didn't call the vet to come down and administer some 22 caliber medicine just yet, because we've all grown rather fond of her. But I'm fairly confident that we'll see her at the Parawealth Games in Delhi this October.

Hey that reminds me, did you know that the Commonwealth Games are on at the same time as Nationals? Opening Ceremony is October 3rd, and Closing Ceremony is October 14th. This really puts a crimp in my plans to take leave from work, order the Foxtel package and spend a fortnight drinking beer and eating spicy curries while working on my Delhi-Jelly-Belly.

Speaking of delicious cheesy garlic naan bread, this last beach session really took a lot of carbs out of the old tank. The best warm-up man in the business took us through some light run-throughs and some stretches before we hit the sand, and then it's all sort of a blur.

But before we get to the parts about the running, as this was Hullsy's first session, I have to tell you, teeth, not insanely Bali-dentist super-white. I haven't got any feedback from Rysah about the boobs yet though, every time I say, "Hey Rysah, boobs?" he just says, "heh...boobs...heh heh". He's very Beavis and Butthead about the whole topic.

And then came the running. We ran in straight lines, we ran in squares, we ran in diagonals. We ran around Loz, which seems to be getting tougher every week. We did push-ups and bridges in between running in diagonals, I breathed in a lot of sand, we did footwork drills in the sand, I coughed up a lot of sand, we ran more straight lines. The whole thing was cruel, and surely it can't be a coincidence that you can't spell VADER without D, A, V, E

And then at the end, I said no to pizza, which should have been an obvious sign that I had developed an embolism in my brain. I mean who says no to pizza? Especially volcano pizza with king prawns?

The Pineapple Express

Northcote at 9am on a Saturday morning, and I used to think it was cold on a Friday night. At least on a Friday night they sling a pizza your way if you hang around and enjoy a drink or two, it doesn't look like Esther Bester has brought any pizzas...

The Mac gets out of his wheelchair and joins the squad on court for the first time this year. He looks a bit awkward until his awesome pace breaks apart the leg braces that he is wearing. Run, Alex, Run!

Joining the Mac for this session are the Triple M netball commentary team (Malone, Michelini & Moss) along with Dave, Esther, KT, Leesy, Lemons, Loz, Ryza and Tonah. Twelve? That doesn't seem right...oh yeah, I was there too. Let's forget this paragraph ever existed, that was I can use that Triple M line in a better context.

It's the whole squad except for Hullsy, she's spending a suspiciously long time in Bali. Maybe she's read about the bargain prices on dentistry and plastic surgery that are available over there. I better keep an eye out for unbelievably white teeth when she gets back. Ryan volunteers to keep an eye out for huge boobs, not specifically on Hullsy, just in general.

Mac takes us through the warm-up. Leesy's parents have a dog that is also called Mac, he slobbers a lot and runs around like a crazy thing. What a small world.

We then do some footwork drills, and this week I look less like an Oktoberfest Oompa dancer after 12 steins of beer, and more like an Oktoberfest Oompa dancer after 10 steins, that my friends is measurable progress. Hopefully I improve before Tonah brings along his tuba to help me out with my rhythm.

Musical fact - Tonah doesn't actually play the tuba, but he does do an awesome version of Tiny Tonah Tiptoes Through The Tulips on his ukulele.

We then run through a triangle drill, I've spent all week brushing up on basic trigonometry and re-visiting Pythagorean Theorems, but I'm still not quite getting it. I'm possibly over-thinking it.

Some more passing, some more running, some surprise lollies and I've totally forgiven Es for the pizzas. KT who was obviously only there for the lollies decides that it's time to head off for the day, she's dropping her folks off at Caulfield for a drunken day at the races. It's the circle of life. Hakuna Matata, KT, Hakuna Matata!

We finish off with some half-court match practice where Dave encourages us to recreate the patterns of play we saw at the video night. Alex jumps on Ryan and rides him to the ground, rides him hard. Dave must have put on the good stuff after we'd left.

A final stretching session to finish. Strawberries and orange slices are handed around, a request is made for pineapple for next week, mainly due to it's positive affects in improving the taste of certain bodily fluids. Tonah hadn't heard that fact before, however Loz who spent the previous 6 months insisting he stop eating asparagus as an afternoon snack every day, doesn't seem surprised.

Date Night

It's Wednesday night again, and I'm very worried that the spark has gone out of our relationship. I was expecting to get very sweaty and be sore in the morning, but instead it was dinner and a movie and then straight home. I'm definitely going to write to Dolly Doctor for some advice...

Do they still have Dolly Doctor? Someone look that up for me...

We jumped in the car at about 5.30 on Wednesday evening, the sky was ominous, a few very heavy rain-drops had started to fall, and Facebook updates from Melbourne's west indicated that a very large storm was approaching.

Meanwhile, in a different part of Melbourne, Dave was taking a call from his personal weather-man Smiling Mike Larkan, who in real life has a thick Scottish accent, but hides it when he is on the telly...

SML: Och Dave muh laddie, you can't send your team out in this weather. It's sheer mudness boyo
DS: You listen to me Larkan, they'll train you hear? They'll train and they'll love it.
SML: I canna letch yoo do it. And I'll stop you the unly way I know how, by tulling the Channel Ten audience that there is a beeched whale down at Kerferd Road pier. Good luck running eight posts with three thousand huppies down there.
DS: Damn you Larkan, you win this round. By the way your accent went really Kiwi there towards the end.
SML: Yah, ut'll doo that. See you for brunch on Sunday.
DS: Toodle-pip

So the text message was sent out to all the players, training cancelled, come over for a video night. Personally with all the footwork issues I am working through, I was hoping for either Footloose or Centre Stage, but it was game tape from a practice game that the '09 squad played against the Men's team.

It was pretty good, and really instructive to see how things worked when people ran to the right spots. A couple of suggestions though, firstly, every presentation is better with a laser pointer. We have one we use to annoy our cats, they hate it so much... Secondly, get access to the Funniest Home Video sound-board. I love watching Mossy fall over as much as anyone, but put it in slow motion and with maybe a slide whistle, that's comedy gold.

Looking out my window right now, I can tell you that it looks like we will be down at the beach this week. I can also tell you that on the Par 3 at the Albert Park golf course that runs parallel to Queens Rd, the guy on the tee hit what looked like a 6-iron and came up short and left in the front trap.