The Review - Part 2 - ...Rollout!

And we are back. When we last blogged we had just come to the rest day. It was a beautiful morning for a pool session, the sun was glinting on the water and reflecting like a mofo off the top of Randles head.

In a very eventful morning, Tonah had already lost his suit, lost Copah's suit, found Copah's suit, scared the crap out of Loz and found his suit, all while saying some very mean things about Bo. So as the team scattered around Brisbane for a quiet day of shopping and sight-seeing, we left Aims by the pool borrowing a bottle of sunscreen picked up on the cheap in Thailand...

Wednesday - Dinner - The Sizzler. We eventually found the restaurant after circling it a few times but not really getting close. Not an ambiturner that Dave. The meals were actually pretty good, red creamy soda? Check! Steak cooked properly? Check! People having contests to build the highest soft-serve construction? Check! Bread infused with chemicals to suppress hunger? Check! Come back to Victoria Sizzler, all is forgiven.

Quick Historical Fact - you know Jared from Subway who lost all that weight? His first diet attempt was to only eat the chemical appetite suppressant bread from Sizzler, and that's why he was such a lardo.

Thursday - Game 1 - SA. They had an older lady who I believe was an ex-umpire playing GA, and she was a true triple threat; 1/3rd of the time she would pass, another 1/3rd of the time she would think about passing and then pass, and the remaining third of the time she would think about passing, then think about how she missed watching Ray Martin on the Midday Show and then pass. We surprisingly keep her scoreless and roll over SA comfortably in the end.

Meanwhile on a court not too far away, Queensland 1 have beaten NSW, and have very considerately almost guaranteed us a top two finish.

As we shake hands and leave the court against SA, I find out that older lady GA isn't actually that old, she just spent a lot of time sunbathing while wearing dodgy sunscreen from Thailand. She's 31! An eerie glimpse into Amy Wirth's future...

Another two game break and another chance to read the tournament booklet, who were we up to...oh yeah...

Bav Bavaro - Vic
Favourite Movie - Return Of The Killer Tomatoes (early Clooney - do yourself a favour)
Chances of ever finishing this blog: 50/50

Bec Michelini - Vic
Your Hero: George de Mestral - the inventor of Velcro
Turn Ons Include: Nurses in uniform, nurses out of uniform, elbow skin
Turn Offs Include: Sleep, Sobriety, the Y chromosome

Dave Smith - Vic
Nickname: THE Dave Smith?
Favourite People With The Initials KS: Well obviously Kaiser Soze, and of course my all-time crush, Kristen Stewart, I would Break her Dawn so bad...
Did You Ever Sneak A Peek At Lanard Copeland In The Shower: This interview is over! But yes...

Thursday - Game 2 - NSW

Two teams with different strategies, the forces of good from Victoria with the philosophy of "Top Two, Straight Through", versus the forces of evil from NSW and their "Lose Now, Win Later" approach to netball. And having studied Philosophy for two semesters at Uni, I can reliably inform you that philosophies are just like poems, the one's that rhyme are better. So that's looking good for us.

Highlights of the game were the blonde vs. brunette battle between Lee Lemons and Lauren "Backyard" Gardener. Not sure why they call her Backyard, but I'm sure she's popular with the boys. Anyway, it was an epic contest, LG accused LL of having no body control, and frankly was lucky to keep all her teeth because Lemons has some body control but almost no self-control.

Lowlight of the game was the NSW GA, a lovely little girl, delivering the people's elbow to what we will refer to as my upper-upper-inner thigh. The injury time-out, and Gary's cold towel and smooth soft hands were the high point of my tournament. Winning the game was nice, and as the saying goes, it was definitely better than a whack in the nads.

Oh, did I mention that Bec rolled an ankle? Yeah it happened a couple of games back, you didn't think a giant klutz like her could get through a whole tournament unscathed did you? Remember that, it's important later on.

Thursday - Dinner - An Impossible Choice...

Lasagna with Garlic Bread or Stir Fry, actually an easy choice, with lasagna receiving a lot of preference votes from the garlic bread, it easily wins the election on a two-party preferred basis. The Unit 10 oven squeezes in 4 lasagnas, and we sit back to play the waiting game.

The waiting game is boring, and as no-one remembered to bring Hungry Hungry Hippos, we watch a bit of cricket, peruse the Comm Games, eat some barbeque shapes, though not enough to spoil our dinner, and flick through the tournament programme.

Elisa Caldwell - Vic
Official Photographer huh? Are you too good to call yourself a groupie: But I have this camera...
Why did the tournament hire a guy with a camera on a stick for that one day: Two reasons, 1 all of my shots are of the Vic teams, and 2 half of my shots are me motor-boating the cleavage of the Vic teams
Why are you staying on the Gold Coast: Have you seen the beds the players have? I'm 5'7" and the beds are too short for me.

Esther Coppin - Vic
So why Team Manager: I'm actually quite dyslexic, I thought I was signing up for "a gerMan maTe", you know like a pen-pal...
What do you say to accusations that you've personally inflicted more damage onto the Northern Territory than Cyclone Tracy: I say Bring It
Favourite Movie: 300, The Bounty Hunter, The Ugly Truth, anything with that dreamy Geoff Coppin lookalike Gerard Butler in it.

Gary Bester - Vic
Nickname: Uncle Fester Bester
The Wifebeater Singlet In or Out: Definitely In

Friday morning, and the entire motel awoke to the smell of liniment in the air. First thoughts were that a Deep Heat truck had crashed into a light pole, but it was just Esther preparing to face the Northern Territory. We knew going into the game that regardless of the result we had a qualifying final against Queensland later that day, but Coach Smith stressed the importance of Memento, the best Guy Pearce movie of all time.

No wait, I've spilled OJ on my notes, he stressed the importance of momentum, which Guy Pearce wasn't even in, it starred Teri Hatcher, so probably not a very good movie at all. So the gist of Dave's pre-match address was basically,  stick to the team game plan, or I will make you all watch Teri Hatcher movies, and not younger hotter Teri Hatcher either.

With those inspiring words ringing in our ears, we jumped out to an early lead against the Territorians. I was fortunate enough to play on a really nice guy, who just happened to be one of the largest men in Australia. At one stage he said to me that it wasn't fair on their Goal Keeper to be playing on someone as girthy as Big Tone. I asked whether he has ever seen himself in a mirror, he replied that there had never been a mirror big enough, but he was hoping to have one custom made for his birthday. Bottom Line: he was a huge man.

With everyone having at least a bit of a run, we blew the cobwebs away and we blew the NT away. Esther snared the 3 votes for best on court, and I'm almost certain I saw her sneak off to place a bet on herself to make the All-Australian squad too. It's possible she had overdosed on liniment fumes at that stage.

With the round-robin part of the tournament now behind us, and a top-two finish accomplished, the attention of the team turned to having a snack and then getting ready for the game against Queensland. The team that had given us our only loss of the tournament back on Day 1, and whom we had then snatched a draw against on Day 3.

Dave gathered us in for a pre-match chat, "OK, the key to this Queensland team is that short, stocky, bald guy running through their mid-court. Do any of you know why I don't like, short, stocky bald men?"

Ryzah: "Because they remind you of your first girl-friend?"

"Oh, did I tell this story last year? That's embarrassing. Forget about Felicity Hufnagel then. This is when all those footwork drills, and all those beach sessions start to matter. Believe in your team-mates, believe in our structure. Don't forget how to throw and catch, that's super important.

The game started off and it was tense stuff from both sides, I'm actually still doing the nervous leg jiggle as I sit here typing a few months after the fact. And my arm hairs are standing on end, but that's more to do with the fact that someone has turned the AC up way too high today. I know they are predicting 40 for New years, but seriously people, it's like 17 degrees in there this morning.

I digress, we get to quarter time and the game is still close, and here's where a weeks worth of practice starts to pay off. I'm monkey feeding the two defenders, and I know that Dave likes a lot of water, I also know from previous experience that Amy doesn't like it when you squeeze the bottle too hard and water comes out of her nose. She says that she doesn't perform at her peak efficiency when she feels like she is drowning. So I just squeeze the bottle gently, and people say there is no room for sensitivity in top quality netball.

The second and third quarter see us ease out to a small lead. The Queensland GK is sneaky dirty but also has an extremely low sensitivity to pain. He yells every time he is touched, I know Lozzy calls Tonah, Magic Hands, but this is a little ridiculous. I think he's told the umpires that he's a recovering burns victim, just like Jason McCartney but a bigger Australian hero. The umpires appear to be buying it and he gets a few calls go his way which keeps the game close.

Three-quarter time and Queensland bench their shooter for a rangy left-hander. He looks intimidated by Dave's reach, but Dave can't quite get the timing right and Queensland are right back into the game. We let a 4 goal lead shrink back to 2, then back to all-level. It's goal for goal, scores are tied, Queensland has the ball, the timekeeper is up, they shoot, it's in, that's time. But no, they wave off the goal, time had expired prior to it going through. By the time it takes my mate Jase to unclip a bra with his left hand (about 0.4 of a second, he's a freak) we've been saved and are going into overtime.

Things remain tight to start the overtime, but Michelini gets an important turnover, Wirth forces a stop (she must be well-hydrated to be playing so well), Moss throws a right-handed pass and it works! Everything is coming up Victoria. Dave gets his hands to a couple of Lefty's shots and Tonah has apparently told the umpires that he invented Vegemite, because Queensland keeper is throwing himself all over the place and not getting a call. We win!

Over on the other court, NSW have rallied from a half-time deficit to beat Queensland 2 in the other semi-final. The prevailing thought is that we would have struggled to back-up for another game, and can't see how Queensland will be able to. Why are there no bookmakers covering this event, I would load up on NSW to win that game if I could.

And that's how it turned out, Queensland put up a good show but ran out of legs and New South ran out fairly comfortable winners. Queensland; undefeated one day, bundled out in straight sets the next, not a bad slogan, probably too long for a license plate though.

Anyway, it's back to the hotel for a pool session and some major strategy re-think by the team. Why didn't we have stir-fry last night? I could really go some lasagna and a garlic bread tonight.

We watch a bit more of the cricket and Ala remarks that Ricky Ponting's technique looks a little scratchy, he predicts that he'll break a finger soon, we'll lose the Ashes and get flogged at the MCG by an innings and 157 runs. Spooky...

It's a fairly early night for our team, however the party house next door seems to be having quite a good time, Claire VD, Jen-I Gardiner, Pilks, D-Stew and of course Copah who has been given a leave pass by Laps. Nice of Laps to put his problem in the room next to mine. Apparently Big Tone sends a text to ssshh them all at some point in the evening.

However I'm still having little mini-nightmares, what if Dave gets lost on the way to the cars in the morning? What if Kate takes one for the state and handcuffs him to the bed? What if Kate handcuffs me to the bed, not so much a nightmare that one.

One more delicious breakfast, I have toast as we are all out of apple-pie, and then it's off to the courts. By the time we arrive, both the Vic Ladies and the Under 21's have taken up positions around the court to support us and then the Men's in the later game. Claire tells me she's wearing a push-up bra to inspire us, and some of us pretend to be able to tell.

Dave gets us in for a pre-game chat, I think I can see handcuff marks, but maybe I'm just looking too hard. Dave says some stuff, Esther does an a capella beat-box version of Eye Of The Tiger, we are super pumped to play. Tonah in GS, Kyzah Soze in GA, Moss in WA, The Mac in C, Micka in WD, The Dave in GD and Famous Amos in GK, which leaves Hullsy, Lemons, Ryzah and myself on the bench.

As self-appointed coach of the bench, I took my players aside and explained the fundamentals to them, never ever swap seats. There is only one rule. And which rule did Lemons break in the semi-final against Queensland, that's right Rule #1. We were cruising at half-time and Lemons almost cost us the match due to undisciplined bench play. Well that was not going to happen this time, not on my watch!

We started a bit slow, a couple of turnovers saw us on the wrong end of a 3 goal deficit. That Girl That Lemons Doesn't Like (note: TGTLDL often refers to about 27 girls in any particular tournament, however in this match it refers to Lauren Gardener, who might be a lovely person and possibly a firecracker in bed, but Lemons really doesn't care).

We were down by 5 at half time, off came The Mac, off came the The Mic, on went Ryzah and Lemons. And yes, in case you were wondering, there was just straight seat swapping on the bench, discipline was still good. A slow start to the 3rd and we were down 7, Hullsy was up and warming up, Esther had just told me to get ready to go as well, but before the crowd could say sit down Bavro, there was a clicking noise. All of a sudden we clicked.

We were attacking precisely, click, and forcing all types of pressure defensively, click. Tonah sent Troy Ellis flying into the back net where he spilled lollies and severely damaged someones mobile phone, click, Esther stood up, click click (those are her knees).

The seven goals lead was swept away in a hurry, we went into the last quarter with all the momentum. Did we have structure, fu*k-yeah we had structure. With Ryzah zinging some passes in to Tone, Moss sticking with the left hand (fundamentals), the shooters taking and making good shots and the Lemons-Smith-Wirth combo picking off the turnovers, we came back and straight past them and ran out winners.

Cue the celebrations, Gary was handing around the magic victory drink, there was hugging, someone copped a feel of my left man-boob but that's the good one so I didn't mind. Tonah called Loz, but 11 people had already texted her the result, so he just had a good cry instead. Another reason why we don't need video calls.

The team settled in for a few Crownies and a heap of lollies, we watched the men capture their fifth straight championship, what a team they are.

Then it was back to the hotel for pizza and beer, as provided by the Victorian Police Athlete of the Year, Hullsy. Pizza and Beer, that's how this thing started all the way back on a chilly Wednesday evening in a Port Melbourne restaurant. What a journey it was.

We finished with Presentation night, the highlights of course being; Micka's shoes, Lemons underwear (that was a long cab ride), Tonah's speech, getting the medals, Ryzah's MVP award and the All-Australian selections for Amy, Dave, Mossy and Tonah, really well deserved.

Now after a night like that, I generally feel 10 years older, but not Super Dave, he generally looks and feels 10 years younger. Here's a picture of him from the morning after presentation night snapped by Kyzah and Ryzah...

Thanks to everyone who played, who supported, who managed, rub-downed, photographed and helped out with the practices. Let's go for back-to-back.

Oh, and as it is now December 31st, here is my New Years resolution, don't start a blog if you can't finish it!