Saturday - Present Time! - Woohoo Transformers t-shirts, an awesome magnet for the fridge in Room 46 (now on my beer fridge at home), watches that transform into Optimus Prime, a watch that projects an Autobot signal, water bottles that didn't transform but were still handy, uniforms, bag tags with our Transformer names. We've definitely peaked too early, the week can't get any better than this.
Saturday - Grand Final Mark II - A pretty dodgy game, watched on one of the world's smallest tv's. A blonde ant ran into an open goal but was smothered by Heath Shaw. Micka is obviously not a real Collingwood supporter as she handled the victory with dignity and class. Kyzah and Ryzah decided to find something better to do about halfway through the third quarter, I think they were practising hair-styles for preso night, because their hair was all mussed afterwards. Good word, mussed, I'm bringing that one back.
Saturday - Training at Darra - First things first, it's Darra as in, "I will be getting completely Darralytic at Preso Night", not Darra as in, "You would expect the Darralarm to go off when Leesy backed that sweet burnt orange Holden rental car into that red pole".
Some notes from the training session. Those jumpers are definitely too fluffy for a man with a shaved head, me and Randles looked ridiculous. Either the courts in Queensland are bigger, or Tonah lost weight on the flight up. The roof of the court is so high, I think even Lemon's loopy passes might be ok. First sumos in Queensland and we are looking sharp, excellent acoustics in this stadium, people will be able to hear us from three courts over.
Sunday - Breakfast - Crunchy Nut Cornflakes! I don't normally eat cereal, but who can resist those things. They are Coco Pops for adults. Amos in the house! The squad is now complete. In the civilised world, Daylight Savings has started, apparently the back bedroom of Unit 10 is also in Victoria, Tonah and Ryzah are up by 6am.
Sunday - Game 1 - Queensland 2 - Maybe they were the Heat maybe they were the Lightning, let's just agree that they weren't Queensland 1. We drive to the courts in a spiffy silver iMax and maybe a Tarago type thingo. I briefly consider running with, "If a Mercedes CL married an iMax, it would be a CLiMax!" But it's a crappy joke, and I'm regretting typing it just now. In better news, everyone gets on court, we have a win. At times the structure looks a bit yuckture, maybe Dave will use that in the post-game review. He doesn't...
Sunday - Game 2 - Queensland 1 - We jump out to a 14-7 lead at half time, put in a shocker of a third quarter and end up losing the game. In the review, Dave stresses process more than results, but I'm secretly thinking that it's a good thing that Kate likes angry sex. You can learn so much from that tournament booklet...
Kate Sherwin - Qld
Nickname - The Sherwinator
Turn-Ons Include: Walks On The Beach, Krispy Kreme Donuts, Angry Sex
Turn-Offs Include: Alphabet Soup, Ninjas Who Wear Ballet Flats, Being Called The Sherwinator
Oh I am so using that as a running joke for the rest of this entry, the booklet that is, not amazing facts about Kate. Interesting fact about Kate though, she is one of Queenslands leading Cher impersonators...
Sunday Game 3 - South Australia - You remember how in Neighbours whenever they wanted to get rid of a character they used to make them move to Queensland. Except for Harold, he was washed out to sea and came back as an amnesia sufferer. Yeah that was as believable as Delta's wig. Anyway, as Neighbours used Queensland, that's how my family uses South Australia. I've shipped my Dad, my Crazy Stepmum and my second-worst brother over there, so I have a real soft spot for the place. But that all went out the window, when I played GK against a guy who was the dead-ringer for Randy Hickey from My Name Is Earl, and he sweated a lot. We won that game.
Sunday - Pool Session - We finished Day 1 with a record of 2-1 and an awesome bomb from Tonah. If the management of Taringa Gardens are reading this, that's right, I said BOMB. Deal with it! Dinner was pasta and delicious.
Monday - Game 1 - NSW - Showers in Unit 10 have been scaled back because Tonah and Ryzah have refused, flat out refused to keep getting up at 5.30 every morning. On the positive side, our shower works and it has hot water and lots of pressure. I extend an invitation to the Ladies Team and our Mixed girls that they can come for showers at anytime, bring snacks! I don't extend the invitation to the Men's team, because they eat too many snacks, or the Under-21's for legal reasons.
Speaking of bathrooms, the Citrus Breeze has arrived. I hope one can will be enough. Nutri Grain for breakfast for me, nothing for Ala, he sleeps through the whole thing.
We show up to the courts and discover that Troy Ellis thought he was Lester Ellis while playing against Queensland 1 the previous day and has got himself suspended for 3 games. NSW
It takes a while to get everyone organised, so let's take this opportunity to see what the tournament booklet has to say about a couple of people...
Anthony Collinder - VIC
Nickname - Mr T
Catchphrase - I Pity The Fool
Worst Dad Joke - Why is a polo match like Loz before breakfast? Because they both have three chukkas.
Karen Moss - VIC
Natural Hair Colour - Unknown
Nickname: McMoss
What's Alex's Best Feature and Your Favourite Tom Hanks Movie - Big
Wow there are some very specific questions in that booklet, good thing the answer wasn't Joe Versus The Volcano, that wouldn't have made any sense.
Monday - Game 2 - NT - The game that everyone had been looking forward to, when the question would finally be answered, that old duck, crazy or robot? Tonah who had first seen the eccentric warm-up routine was convinced that she was a robot from the future sent back to play netball and kill Sarah Connor. Mossy who had seen her dancing to the tune in her head in the ladies toilet was firmly in the crazy camp.
Opinion was evenly split in the team, and the final vote went to Hullsy who had been involved in a high-speed chase with a petrol tanker and then a shoot-out at Cyberdyne Industries a few days earlier. She took a good look at the suspect and finally decided that she wasn't a robot, she was just crazy. But when she took the court, she didn't go through the normal red flappy bit thing, she just walked straight through the net and did that cool melty metal thing. No wonder the Sherwinator kept unleashing shotgun pellets at her...
We did finally beat the Territorians, but when we shook her hand at the end of the game, there was no, nice game, thanks very much pleasantries. Nope, she took my hand in a steely grip and said, Ah'll Be Bahck!
Monday - Dinner - Schnitas! Super Delicious Schnitas. But then it happened! You know I think I'll always remember where I was the first time I heard the Cookies & Cream cheer. Amy, please type out the next section...
Ready? OK!
Cookies, cookies, cookies and cream.
What's the matter with the other team?
Nothing, nothing, nothing at all.
They just...can't play ball!
If you didn't read that with an American accent and do the hand gestures, then GTFO.
Tuesday - Game 1 - Queensland 2 - You know, they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I hadn't seen the Queensland team for two days, and I was still pretty meh about the lot of them. But before we get into that analysis, let's read back the transcript of Tone Phone Home - Tuesday Edition...
"Hey Loz. I got up, had a shower, got dressed, shorts, walk-on top and thongs, went up for breakfast, bowl of crunchy-nut, 2 pieces of toast, glass of juice, came back, had a cigarette, picked up the phone, dialled, started this sentence" now that's romantic.
Sorry, I wrote that down at the time, I had to put it in the blog. In fact my entire notes for the week consist of that sentence and "We Won" (Spoiler Alert) and "oodles of UDLs - good rhyme". So despite a lot of evidence to the contrary, this may be a very short review...
Back on court, we gave Qld-2 a touch-up, I think they liked it. In fact I know they did, because the girl playing on Ryzah told him that Flugelhorn was their safe word, and he could beat her as bad as he liked unless she said Flugelhorn. That word again, Flugelhorn...
Tuesday - Game 2 - Qld 1 - Our first two-game break between games, a chance to really get into those roast-chicken rolls. Of course taking off shoes and socks can be a really effective appetite suppressant. So much so that I'm going into direct competition with Lite and Easy with my own version, Damp and Smelly. Dave I've got my eye on you for the Queensland franchise...
Of course a two-game break also leaves plenty of time to read the old tournament booklet...
Alex McPhie - Vic
Nickname - Mr McMoss
Turn-Ons Include: Richard Dean Andersen, fixing phone chargers with paper clips.
Turn-Offs Include: Blondes, Brunettes, Baldies, anything except Redheads
Amy Wirth - Vic
Nickname - Why The Hell Isn't My Name In This Booklet
Career Goal - Bayside Sky Raiders Head Coach
Turn Ons Include - Ala's Jeans, Dirty Dancing (the movie), Dirty Dancing (the dancing)
We play Queensland pretty close, 2 down at half-time, but another dodgy third quarter puts us is a hole. We storm home in the final 4 minutes and from 6 goals down scrape through with a draw.
So at the end of Day 3, we had realised that we could put in an awesome 4 minute performance and finish level. But let's be honest, a 4 minute performance probably isn't going to cut it in the big league, and I'm not 100% sure whether I'm still talking about netball at this point in time.
When we return for Part 2, the rest day (aka search for performance enhancing nasal spray) the rest of the tournament, the suspense of who wins, and the drunkeness of Preso Night...
