Theme Team 2010

Well the US Basketball Team might have beaten us to the Dream Team name, but Theme Team is all ours. As decided at dinner last night, our theme for this trip is Transformers - More Than Meets The Eye, and boy there are a lot of Transformers out there to choose from.

Which Transformer will you be? What pathetic joke will be attached, read on to find out.

Tonah - Devastator (Decepticon)

Wikipedia says: Devastator is a combination of the six Constructicons, Hook, Scrapper, Mixmaster, Long Haul, Scavenger, and Bonecrusher. Devastator was the strongest Transformer when he was first introduced on the series.

Mossy - Inferno (Autobot)

Wikipedia says: Inferno is a fearless Autobot who has a firetruck as his vehicle form. [1] He relishes the attention he gets for saving lives and extinguishing fires any chance he gets, but Inferno's intentions are always noble, though he rarely gets involved in the battles. Inferno would be a lot better at his job if he weren't so easily distracted. He genuinely wants to be responsible and perform his job well, but he simply cannot resist getting involved in combat. The rugged and powerful, Inferno likes things to be as intense as possible, although he prefers the heat of battle to the heart of a burning building. He's not unaware of the seriousness of his function, and he does enjoy the chances it offers him to save innocent lives. It's just that Inferno can't turn down an opportunity to get into the thick of the action.

Bavro says: Go you Big Red Fire Engine

Alex - Starscream (Decepticon)

Wikipedia says: Starscream is Megatron's air commander and second-in-command, but is eager to usurp him as leader of the Decepticons. His scheming has at times cost the Decepticons decisive advantages. Among his arsenal are cluster bombs and a paralyzing null ray.

Bavro says: Easy to spot thanks to his distinctive blue shoes. Let's hope the hotel has thick walls, Al is apparently a screamer.

Amy - Bombshell (Decepticon)

Wikipedia says: Possibly the most intelligent of the Insecticons; serves as Decepticon mechanic on one occasion. Can control other Transformers by implanting cerebro-shells in their heads. Transforms into a Japanese Rhinoceros Beetle.

Bavro says: The google search for Transformers Bombshell was the most fun of all, let's take a look...

The actual transformer:

The most common result:

And one for the Australian fans:

Boy this post is going to be long, don't be reading it on your iphone...

Bav - Lightspeed (Autobot)

Wikipedia says: Mellow observer with a dry sense of humor. Loves being in space.

Bavro says: Why is there no Transformer called Chromedome?

Bec - Runamuck (Decepticon)

Wikipedia says: An energetic cowboy-type who regards himself and Runabout as two of the Decepticons' "hardest-chargin' dudes."

Bavro says: Runamuck, the perfect name for someone when half their stories start with, I woke up somewhere...

Dave - Optimus Prime (Autobot)
 
Wikipedia says: Once a young robot known as Orion Pax, he was attacked by Megatron in the episode War Dawn and later rebuilt, making him into the formidable Optimus Prime. As leader of the Autobots, he has dedicated himself to a life of stopping the Decepticons wherever they attack.
 
Bavro says: Once a young basketball player known as Hey Isn't That Dave Smith?
 

Elisa - Reflector (Decepticon)

Wikipedia says: Reflector is the only Transformer whose robot mode consists of three robots, Viewfinder, Spectro & Spyglass, which merge together to form one camera. The three robots almost always act and speak in unison with each other. Can create blinding flares that last for 15 seconds.

Bavro says: More than capable of holding three conversations at once.

Es - The All Spark (No Affiliation) - The Transformer equivalent of an hermaphrodite

Wikipedia says: The creator of us all.

Bavro says: Originally known in the comic books as The Matrix, it was renamed the All Spark for the movie to stop people making reference to Keanu Reeves, but bad luck, here he is...

Gary - Ratchet (Autobot)

Wikipedia says: The Autobots' resident doctor and mechanic. While he is a medic, he doesn't have a particularly good bedside manner as he frequently throws things like wrenches at his patients if they got hurt for doing something stupid/something they could've avoided. He only threw things once he had repaired them properly of course.

Bavro says: Nice mono-brow

Kylie - Astrotrain (Decepticon)

Wikipedia says: Arrogant and self-obsessed, Astrotrain once tried to build his own army of trains to take over the Decepticons and later set himself up as a god on a primitive, energy-rich planet.

Bavro says: The obvious choice for someone who relies on public transport.

Lemons - Thundercracker (Decepticon)

Wikipedia says: Has doubts about the Decepticon cause, that was rarely shown in the series. Can create deafening sonic booms that have only been represented in the series by Megatron in Heavy Metal War, and the emission of irritatingly loud noise which Starscream complained about at the conclusion of Fire on the Mountain. His other notable weapons are his incendiary guns and cruise missiles.

Bavro says: Can create deafening sonic booms. Nailed it!

Loz - Cybertron (The Homeworld of the Transformers)

Wikipedia says: Long ago, Cybertron was peaceful, until the evil Decepticons waged war against the Autobots. Both sides fought for control of the planet, each ruling one half.

Bavro says: Can not travel with the other Transformers as she is the size of a small planet or a large moon

Renee - Prowl (Autobot)

Wikipedia says: A logical and competent tactician who operated as Optimus Prime's right-hand man in many early episodes.

Bavro says: It's a police car, that's a gift when you are this far down the list.

Ryzah - Bumblebee (Autobot)

Wikipedia says: Often referred to as the "smallest Autobot", Bumblebee often volunteers for missions where his small size is an asset. He also possessed the best eyesight of all the Autobots which made him an ideal scout.

Bavro says: His voice-box has been damaged and he hardly talks. Once again Bumblebee ends up with a woman way hotter than him.

The final count:

7 Decepticons, 6 Autobots, 1 All Spark, 1 Small Planet

Transform and Roll Out to Brisbane.

The Hard Part Is Over

So before we get to the main part of this blog entry, a special shout out to Famous Amos who definitely does not suffer from Pelosiophobia.

AW: Have you ever noticed that eating hazelnuts is just like eating Ferrero Rocher, except without the chocolate?

I actually hadn't noticed that Aims, but if it makes any difference, I do have hazel eyes, but no hazel nuts.

Moving right along... Well it's taken many weeks and a lot of late nights, but the quest to give everyone a nickname has finally been completed. It's probably worth pointing out that no team without a full complement of nicknames has ever won a game at nationals.

And now, my favourite part of writing a blog, cutting and pasting from previous entries. I would marry Ctrl-C, but I would still see Ctrl-V behind her back...

The Nicknames Section

It's in red, it must be important. That's the first think they teach you at blog-school.

Please note, I have just come into possession of an English-Native American baby name book, so you'll all get to find out your Native American names. It's very spiritual, so clear your chakras and move on...

Tone: Tonah, T-to-the-Onah, Beardo, El Capitan, It's-Hard-To-Walk-When-You-Have-A-Tonah

Karen: Mossy, Vichael Moss, Tenille, Karen-Moss-Will-Make-You-Jump-Jump!

Alex: The Mac, The Big Mac, Man-Who-Buys-Engagement-Rings-That-Make-Other-Men-Look-Bad-But-Not-Mr-Lemons-Him-Big-Moneybags

Amy: A newcomer to the nickname scoreboard, let's see what she can come up with. Aims (sounds too much like a no-good shooter) Ample Girth (not bad) Amos...hmmm...Amos and Bavros that sounds like a good combination, Amos to K-Moss, that's gold. Welcome Amos! Your Indian Name is; Golden-Hair-Who-Treats-Training-Like-Foreplay-Doesn't-Like-To-Do-Much-Before-Getting-To-The-Action

Bav: Bavro, Bavros, Neo, If-You-Shaved-Off-All-The-Hair-That-Was-Red-And-Curly-You-Would-Look-Seven

Bec: After much head-scratching, we are going with Micka or Micah, something like that, definitely not Mieke though. Other options were Pelosiophobic, Teeny-Peeny-Michelini and Fake-Peeny-Michelini, however these were considered too long, which was the first time Fake-Peeny had ever heard that particular complaint.

Back-In-My-Day-Being-Given-The-Strap-Meant-Something-Entirely-Different

Dave: EeeBee, SausageLover27@yahoo.com, For-Couch-Upholstery-Call-Bowen-Upholstery-03-8822-3443

Elisa: Leesy, Paparazzo, You-Will-Be-A-Crazy-Cat-Lady-Wait-My-Mistake-You-Already-Are

Esther: Es, Boss, Esther-Bester-Has-An-Uncle-Fester
Kylie: KyLee Lemons, Kyzah Soze, The-Greatest-Trick-The-Devil-Ever-Pulled-Was-Convincing-The-World-That-He-Didn't-Exist
Lee: Lemons, It's-Not-Sexual
Loz: Goldy, Viva Loz Vegas, Woman-Who-Eats-For-Two-But-Sleeps-For-Point-Five
Renee: Hullsy, Scullsy, POA-Apparently-Stands-For-Police-Officer-Athlete-Not-Piece-Of-Ass-Either-Way-You-Are-POA-Of-The-Year
Ryan: Ryzah, Ry Zsa Zsa Gabor, Man-Who-Will-Have-Twins-And-Call-Them-Lily-And-Dale-After-The-Girl-From-How-I-Met-Your-Mother-And-His-Favourite-Chipmunk-Not-The-Suburb

For those of you who were wondering, Pelosiophobia means Fear Of Nuts.

Beardo's Unite

Hi everyone, please note that Saturday the 4th of September is World Beard Day.

You go Tonah!

Snouts and Entrails

It sounded like a wonderful idea the first time I heard it, your 2010 Victorian Mixed Squad would hold an information session to try and attract more gay men into the sport of netball. Because let's be honest, they are terribly under-represented. And we would call it, Sausage-Fest 2010.

So I turned up to the Box Hill Indoor Sports Centre on a very chilly Friday evening, and the fact that I was wearing assless chaps was not making it any warmer. But it turns out that Sausage-Fest 2010 wasn't a cultural watershed for the SLAG (Super Lesbian And Gay) Community at all, it was a money-grab for the Mixed Squad.

And what a money-grab it was. We showed up to Box Hill with 10kgs of original sausages (more snout, less entrail) and 10kgs of the always popular continental sausage (less snout, more entrail). The barbeque had already been fired up by our master chefs for the evening, George ColambarMoss, Matt Eston and Gary "ThisWouldBeEasierIfBecHadANickname" Mehigan or Becigan, whatever, the first two worked great...

The signs went up, the frozen onions joined the snags on the barbeque, Mossy was dealing out slices of bread in a fashion that definitely made me think she was a card shark at some point in her life, or there was a lot of spare time during her former career at Holden. We were serenaded by a lovely man who owned his own harmonica, no rental for this guy. And that's when the call came through...

Es got a call from Northcote Indoor, who apparently had received an offer that was more attractive than our very generous, we'll use your courts for free and not steal too much electricity to run our video cameras, and they bumped us. What an outrage!

However it soon became obvious that we could bribe Box Hill ownership into a loan of their courts on a Saturday morning, in exchange for a couple of sausages, not too burnt. Now all Esther had to do was to let Angry Dave know about the change. But as it turns out, Angry Dave was having the weekend off and long-shower-taking-very-agreeable-Dave was in charge. Or more specifically, long-shower-taking-very-agreeable-Dave was there, but Interstate-Living-America-Visiting-Kate was in charge.

So first of all it took Esther 20 minutes to reach Dave on his mobile, because he is "having a shower". Now listen up Queenslanders, we don't all live next door to a great big rain-forest with water everywhere, there's no 20 minute showers down here. In fact, apart from every single beach session for the year, most of us can hardly remember what rain looks like.

Then when he finally called back, well I can't do that justice, let's go to the transcript. But just before we go to the transcript, it's a little confusing because Esther is EB for Esther Bester and Dave is also EB but that's just short for Eee Bee, so we'll do his side of the conversation in slanty writing...

EB: Hello
EB: mmmm-hmmmm
EB: We've just heard from Northcote, they've cancelled our court in the morning.
EB: ooh that's nice
EB: What?
EB: sorry, what?
EB: Northcote have cancelled, but we can have a court at Box Hill for the same time slot
EB: yep, right there
EB: Right there at Box Hill?
EB: mmmm-yes....yes
EB: Right. See you in the morning.

Ends call, goes inside and boils her mobile phone until it feels clean again.

We sizzle away for the rest of the evening. Then have a fairly so-so training session at Box Hill, the highlight being my audition tape to try and take Dan Ryan's commentary job at Channel 10. Think of the money they could save on wooden boxes for him to stand on.

Then we were back the very next Friday, I had sewn the ass back into my chaps by then, so they got another run, mainly because they still smelled a lot like sausages, which apparently isn't as big of a turn-on in the gay community as you might think. Angry Dave was present and accounted for, and he had good reason to be angry after making Joel Selwood the captain of his decimated Supercoach squad.

By the end of the night we were completely out of snouts and entrails and we had made several hundred dollars to put towards the costs up in Queensland. Special thanks to all concerned who helped out with the cooking, the sourcing of materials, those who stood next to a cold lifeless barbie while I limped over to Bunnings for more gas, and especially those who ate all that they could.

Girl To Be Named Later Named Sooner

Hello Sports Fans, and welcome back to the blog. My staff have all come back from their overseas jaunts, so I should finally have some time to dedicate to this historic recollection of netballing events.

The big news of course is that we have finally found our sixth girl, but how to introduce her to the hundreds of people who are regularly reading this blog? First of all I tried doing a Google Image search, because that's my go to move. Nothing really popped out as being appropriate for a story this huge. However speaking of huge, here is the #2 result for a Google Image search for David Smith

Oh my lord, I really should have had Leesy photoshop that shirt into Victorian blue, that would have been great. But don't feel too bad for Dave, he's a work in progress, here is image result #15...

No lunch for me today I am thinking...

So with Google being a total wash, we turn instead to our team poet, Sir Ryzah Mix-a-lot to introduce our newest team member. DJ Lozzy, lay down some tasty beats...

This is for my homies in Lil'Dale...

Our squad come together,

we made us some big plans.

Ten players in total,

just like the fingers of two hands.

Five men & Five women,

nuff for two Village People cover bands.

But something was missing, we needed another,

maybe a blonde with some great cans.

So the search got started,

and we're scouring the Earth.

Es flew up to Brisbane,

Dave's blowing up phones in Perth.

Talking it over at Shaggy's, Volcanoes with King Prawns,

we call that Italian Surf and Turf.

But that's when we found her,

Ladeez and Gentleman, give it up, Amy Wirth!

Now we have eleven players,

the squad feels complete.

But me hands have eleven fingers,

and I feel like a freak.

Not going to no Cape Woolamai,

'cause the rain makes us weak.

Welcome aboard Amy,

you're now one of my peeps.

So the search it's all over,

put it back on the shelve.

But if Dave likes eleven,

wouldn't he be happier with twelve?

Peace. I'm out.

Thanks very much Ryzah, you are a very angry, and extremely white young man. Not sure about that whole cans reference in the first verse though, but I guess anyone who sings about Village People cover bands should talk about cans as much as possible.